2 CHRISTMASES =)

  
We had a wonderful family Christmas this past Saturday at Laurie's winter wonderland condo! (Laurie & I will be celebrating Christmas with her parents in St Augustine this week).

 

 

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I'M A DIE HARD CHRISTMAS FAN ;)

  
We are celebrating our family Christmas later today... right now Laurie & I are prepping her world famous crepes for brunch... I have a crepe maker, a spatula, and A MACHINE GUN HO-HO-HO!! That's all we need for the perfect Christmas brunch 😋 😆😆😆

 

 

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HAPPY BIRTHDAY IN HEAVEN DAD!

  
Happy Birthday to THE BEST DAD EVER! I have so many great memories with my Dad... he was always up for doing everything. I think each birthday for my Dad & Mom I'll share a special memory. One of many things I love and appreciate about my Dad is that he never missed a single one of my baseball games! He came to everyone of them! This was during the 70's & 80's when he was struggling with drinking so he often went straight from work to Ted's Place on Starkey Road and would stay there drinking till 1am or 2am then get up for work every morning at 6am and go work hard all day long. I know this may sound like a backhanded compliment, but it's not. It's actually a very sincere heartfelt compliment to my Dad because you have no idea how much it meant to me to be playing in the outfield and look over to the grass parking area at Osceola High School and see my Dad sitting in the driver seat of his van watching the entire game. That meant the world to me, especially since he chose my game over going straight to the bar. When you're a kid and a teenager you long for family stability, and even in the midst of the struggle I could see the heart of my Dad choosing his son over his addiction. Man, that filled my heart up so much. Of course, my Mom was at every game too, but they both came straight from work so they arrived in separate vehicles. Their support, love, & belief in me has always been one of my most cherished blessings in life. Dad was there when I hit my first (and only) home run! That meant everything to me that day!! I got to keep the ball that I hit, and a few days later Dad surprised me with a customized trophy baseball holder with the engraving: "First Home Run". Man, that really touched my heart. If you know my Dad then you know he is the best gift giver, and loves to serve others. He has the biggest heart!! Thank you Dad for never missing any of my baseball games... that simple act of consistent love profoundly impacted my life. I'm so proud of you and all that you overcame! And to any of my friends who are fathers, and you struggle with some type of addiction, let my Dad serve as an example of someone who never gave up and someone who always showed up... you may not be perfect and you may struggle with things that "drive you to drink", but you can still have an awesome impact on your kids by consistently being there for things that are important to them as you work on getting better & overcoming. A little bit of consistency and stability goes a long way in young hearts. Thank you Dad for never giving up, and setting an example of generosity as you gave of your time, your attention, and your thoughtfulness. I love you! I respect you!And I miss you! Jerry Garner = LIVE TO GIVE!!

 

 

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GTD = BONDING AGENT

  
A father & son moment 3 months ago watching a brilliant sunset from a mountain view near our campsite... God uses GTD to turn moments into memories... spontaneous outdoor events into lifelong cherished flashbacks =) . Thank you to all our supporters & volunteers who make unforgettable moments like these possible!!

 

 

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CAMPING IS ONE OF THE GREATEST BONDING TOOLS IN LIFE'S TOOLBOX!! ...CHECK OUT THESE STATS!

  
Check out these stats and this Campspot article about the importance of camping, and how Gen Z, Millennials, Generation X (& even Boomers) are finding camping & "Together-Trips" to be a one-stop cure-all for many of the impersonal aspects in a modern disconnected society overrun by intrusive technology. They are finding what GTD found out 30 years ago >>> camping builds strong connections with other people (and especially with God) while rescuing you from the overwhelming pressures & distractions synonymous with the "concrete jungle". In fact, we see immediate healthy results as soon as people (myself included) spend quality time in nature with just the right amount of primitive camping to push them outside of their comfort zone and into the transformational zone. Don't underestimate the power of a camping trip with your family or friends... one trip can literally change your life... and one trip with Jesus can literally change your soul!! That's why GTD is committed to supplying God-awesome outdoor outings for the next 30 years, and why teaching classes on camping is part of our immediate future plans. We want to help equip families and friends in their quest to plan out their own camping trips so that those deep bonds & lifelong memories start happening right away!! GTD turns 30 years old in 2 weeks PTL!! Aaaaaaaaand we are already preparing for the next 30 years of ministry!! God is up to something special!!

Source:
https://www.campspot.com/about/together-trip

Article:
https://www.foxnews.com/travel/new-data-reveals-americans-who-crave-closeness-others-turning-popular-outdoor-activity

Going The Distance Adventure Ministry
God-awesome Adventures Since 1996!

GTD RECEIVES ANOTHER $1,100 DONATION TOWARDS THE $25,000 DONOR MATCH CHALLENGE!!! PTL!!!

  
Another one of our OUTSTANDING Ministry Partners has donated $1,100 that I'm matching with $1,100 of my own money (it was a good year in the stock market from inheritance money my amazing parents left me PTL!)!!

That brings our current total to $4,200 raised!!! Thank You Jesus!! Thank you Mom & Dad!!

Join me in raising $50,000 in one-time donations (& another 50k in monthly pledges) by February 28, 2026 as we prepare to pass the torch of this ministry to the next generation of leaders!!

Carson is in training to become GTD's next CEO within 24 months (2 months of training already completed)!! I will continue to be a Director in overseeing various Programs (Carson will become my boss), and I will stay on the Board of Directors helping raise funds and maintain Godly directions as well as pray, encourage, & assist in whatever ways I can as we prepare for our next 30 years of ministry!!! THIS IS OUR JOSHUA MOMENT!!!

Thank you so much to another one of our "anonymous" donors... this is another family that blesses GTD more than I could ever put into words!!! God bless you dear friends!!
 
If you want to donate to ("invest in") this ministry I'm going to match your donation dollar for dollar up to $25,000 (cumulative) or if you want to sign up to be a monthly partner I'm going to match your monthly pledge up to $500 per month (cumulative). This is all in honor of my amazing parents Jerry & Ann Garner (JAG) who believed so much in me & this ministry!! Our goal is to raise $100,000 by February 28, 2026!
 
Click this link to donate & support GTD: 
https://gtdbullhorn.blogspot.com/p/payments-donations.html
 
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!!

*This is a picture of one of the SEU students doing a backflip during our bridge jumping adventure in Tellico Plains, TN =) 

 

 

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WE RECEIVED OUR FIRST $1,000 DONATION TOWARDS THE $25,000 DONOR MATCH CHALLENGE!!! PTL!!!

  
One of our PHENOMENAL Ministry Partners has donated $1,000 that I'm matching with $1,000 of my own money (it was a good year in the stock market from inheritance money my amazing parents left me PTL!)!! That brings our current total to $2,000 raised!!! Thank You Jesus!! Thank you Mom & Dad!!

Join me in raising $50,000 in one-time donations (& another 50k in monthly pledges) by February 28, 2026 as we prepare to pass the torch of this ministry to the next generation of leaders!!

Carson is in training to become GTD's next CEO within 24 months (2 months of training already completed)!! I will continue to be a Director in overseeing various Programs (Carson will become my boss), and I will stay on the Board of Directors helping raise funds and maintain Godly directions as well as pray, encourage, & assist in whatever ways I can as we prepare for our next 30 years of ministry!!! THIS IS OUR JOSHUA MOMENT!!!

Thank you so much to our "anonymous" donors... this family blesses GTD more than I could ever put into words!!! God bless you dear friends!!
 
If you want to donate to ("invest in") this ministry I'm going to match your donation dollar for dollar up to $25,000 (cumulative) or if you want to sign up to be a monthly partner I'm going to match your monthly pledge up to $500 per month (cumulative). This is all in honor of my amazing parents Jerry & Ann Garner (JAG) who believed so much in me & this ministry!! Our goal is to raise $100,000 by February 28, 2026!
 
Click this link to donate & support GTD: 
https://gtdbullhorn.blogspot.com/p/payments-donations.html
 
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!!

 

 

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2 TICKETS TO PARADISE

  
Today marks 1 year and 3 years since The Tomato Man & Birddog got 2 tickets to paradise. This past Saturday was "Wreaths Across America", and we were so blessed and honored to visit their grave sites at The Florida National Cemetery where volunteers placed over 30,000 wreaths. There is something so beautiful about the way the military & civilian volunteers honors our veterans. Laurie made a beautiful arrangements of roses (Mom & Dad's favorite) and we took turns sharing how their wonderful lives powerfully impacted our lives. It was a very good day =). THANK YOU SO MUCH to everyone who helped take care of them in their final years... you blessed their lives and our lives more than you may ever know <3

  

 

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FROM SURVIVAL TO REVIVAL!

   
This is a picture of me 14 months ago. I was becoming the healthiest I have ever been in my life during a 3 month period in which God had radically healed me... then I imploded after my Dad died... I have always said that the most dangerous place a person can ever get is where they don't care anymore. I got to that point. Nothing left to give, and nothing left in me to care anymore. I hit rock bottom then dug down 10 more feet. But the amazing thing about God is that He is on the mountain top and He is in the valley, and He is the rock bottom pits (and even 10 ft deeper). When I stopped digging my grave, and started praying for a personal revival He started helping me climb inch by inch up the walls of that pit. I'm a few feet up the wall, and I can sense that the tide has changed... I'm nowhere near the top, but He is slowly (and quickly) changing my survival into a revival. I still have a lot of depression, but it's giving way to a restoration of joy 3 to 4 days each week. I have kinda gone from total depression to sorta bipolar (lows & highs). It is the craziest thing I have ever experienced.... it's an emotional rollercoaster, but I'm definitely getting better... getting healthier... and looking at pictures of where I was just before I imploded... and I'm starting to care again... starting to be filled up with the Holy Spirit again... starting to feel a revival tsunami coming on... starting to look forward to a new year and a new era of personal revival and thriving again... starting to look forward to dusting off my workout equipment and start slinging some weights around again. Thank you God for being slow to anger, quick to forgive, and abounding in love!! I'm ready to get back in shape again.... but not today... after the holidays and all those delicious Christmas cookies hahaha!! Going from survival to revival =)
 
 
Psalms 139: 7-14
7 "Where can I go from your Spirit?
    Where can I flee from your presence?
8 If I go up to the heavens, you are there;
    if I make my bed in the depths, you are there.
9 If I rise on the wings of the dawn,
    if I settle on the far side of the sea,
10 even there your hand will guide me,
    your right hand will hold me fast.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me
    and the light become night around me,”
12 even the darkness will not be dark to you;
    the night will shine like the day,
    for darkness is as light to you.
13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well."

 

 

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$25,000 DONOR MATCH CHALLENGE TO KICK OFF GTD's 30th YEAR OF MINISTRY!!

   
In tribute to my awesome Mom & Dad I'm humbled & deeply honored to personally put up $25,000 of my own money (it's actually God's money) as the first Donor Match Challenge going into GTD's NEXT 30 years of ministry... we are not just celebrating 30 years of ministry in 2026, we are also launching our next 30 years of ministry for the glory of God! New CEO in the works, new Directors teaming up with seasoned Directors, new Coordinators teaming up with seasoned Coordinators, new Programs along with seasoned Programs, & new Adventures in addition to our seasoned Adventures... new stuff being added alongside of all the seasoned good stuff that people love about GTD!!
 
I've always been one of GTD's top donors (obviously I believe in this ministry!) even on a shoestring budget, but now more than ever I want to invest in GTD! I recently started realizing that there has been a 5 year relentless methodical spiritual warfare campaign to stop this ministry by whittling me down to nothing. I believe the enemy saw the impact GTD was making, the trajectory of where we were headed, and the future God was in the process of building so he set out to stop it... to destroy it. It almost worked. ALMOST! The level of spiritual warfare I experienced over the past 5 years is all the evidence I need to see to conclude that GOD IS UP TO SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL... that what lies ahead for this ministry is way BIGGER than I could have ever imagined... that God has been and still is powerfully at work in & through GTD. Why else would satan work so hard to destroy it!
  
In recent times I have been doing a deep dive into investing into APPRECIATING ASSETS (something I should have financially focused on 35 years ago). GTD is an APPRECIATING ASSET that God is using to produce ETERNAL DIVIDENDS! 
 
I know we are starting our fundraising very late in the year, but I didn't want to kick off our fundraising season until I let everyone know how badly I failed over the past year (read recent posts). I live an authentic & transparent life. I believe I owe that to our supporters and the many people who make sacrifices in order to be a part of this ministry. You won't find many people, especially men, who will be 100% real, authentic, & transparent about their emotions, thoughts, & failures. It can make some people very uncomfortable or even upset. To some people I cross the line. To some people I've lost my mind. To some people I'm seeking attention. It isn't for everyone, especially if you were born before 1970. But many in my generation and the younger generations after me value authenticity & transparency. They want & need real people that don't try to portray a false image of leadership or hide their skeletons in a closet... they want truthfulness even if that gets messy at times. These people, these generations are my mission field. We connect at a very close level. God works through authenticity & transparency to build close bonds of real friendship. Real trust. Real substance. It isn't easy admitting your failures to another person, and it's even harder to admit it in a public forum. But that's what I do. I'm not afraid to do it. I take risks for a living. I don't lack courage. And I decided a long time ago that I won't be embarrassed on Judgement Day, because I have already confessed every failing & every sin I have ever committed (and am in the ongoing process of doing that even now) to both God & to the world. I can't be blackmailed. I'm a free man. Failure isn't the act of failing; it's the act of hiding your failings. Sin is only powerful when it is unconfessed. God brings healing through confessing our sins (James 5:16). Anyways, I didn't want anyone to donate to this ministry before knowing that the leader of this ministry (me) just returned from a 5 year dismantling journey that nearly killed me and GTD as I spiraled downward from exhaustion that lead to a lack of abiding in Christ that lead to walking in the flesh instead of walking in the Spirit (read recent posts for more details). I'm now on the road to recovery. I'm getting better. God is resuscitating my soul. He is causing a personal revival inside of me. I'm seeing healing, life, some laughter, optimism, & even resiliency returning to me. Thank You Jesus!
 
If you want to donate to ("invest in") this ministry I'm going to match your donation dollar for dollar up to $25,000 (cumulative) or if you want to sign up to be a monthly partner I'm going to match your monthly pledge up to $500 per month (cumulative). This is all in honor of my amazing parents Jerry & Ann Garner (JAG) who believed so much in me & this ministry!! Our goal is to raise $100,000 by February 28, 2026!
 
Click this link to donate & support GTD: 
https://gtdbullhorn.blogspot.com/p/payments-donations.html
 
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT!!!

 

 

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I'M DANCING ON THE GRAVE THAT I ONCE LIVED IN!

  

This is my daily praise & worship song that I'm singing each morning. One of the many beautiful things about God is that He is the God of resurrection. He brings dead things back to life again. I've been digging my own grave for the past 5 years, but now God is filling in the hole that I dug and building a dance floor on top of it PTL... As the song says:

  

===============

Goodbye yesterday

I'm living in the light of a new day

I won't waste another minute in my old ways

Praise the Lord I've been born again

Yeah

Oh, I've been born again

Again and again and again and again

You rescued me out of the mess I was in

I traded my sorrow for something to sing

Now I'm dancing on the grave that I once lived in

===============

   

I still have a long way to go, but for at least 3 days each week He has changed my mourning into dancing 😃 

My current promise verse is Philippians 3:13-14: 

"Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Here's the link to Goodbye Yesterday. I hope it blesses you as much as it does me:

https://youtu.be/qOD9M95_fS0?si=7ThyVj4Ew5lG25d2

 

 

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BIG NEWS!! …CARSON TO BECOME GTD's NEXT CEO BY 2028 & STACY TO BECOME A PROGRAM DIRECTOR!!! ... (PART 2 of 4) HOW GOD IS TURNING MY "GREAT DEPRESSION" INTO GTD'S "GREAT SUCCESSION"

BIG NEWS!! …CARSON TO BECOME GTD's NEXT CEO BY 2028 & STACY TO BECOME A PROGRAM DIRECTOR!!!

 

(PART 2 of 4) HOW GOD IS TURNING MY "GREAT DEPRESSION" INTO GTD'S "GREAT SUCCESSION"
 
PART 1: "THE INJURY"
PART 2: "NEXT MAN UP"
PART 3: "PREPARING FOR A WINNING SEASON"
PART 4: "BUILDING A DYNASTY"

PART 2 - NEXT MAN UP (OUR JOSHUA MOMENT):
Keeping with the baseball analogy from PART 1...
In baseball, if you are not a starter then you are sitting on the bench until you get an opportunity to play. It's called "riding the pine" (the bench used to be made out of pine wood), and most competitors don't enjoy it because they are eager to play. They have talent. They have skills. They have potential. All they are missing is the opportunity. In baseball, just like in most team sports, there are back-up players and developing players that are always training & practicing for that one moment when an opportunity arises and they are called upon to get off of the bench and go onto the field. Quite possibly the most famous replacement player in MLB history went on to become one of the greatest players of all time. His name is Lou Gehrig. He replaced starting first baseman (and 2-time Yankees' home run leader) Wally Pipp due to a bad headache (of all things!). Lou Gehrig made the most of the opportunity and went on to set the record for the most consecutive games ever played in MLB history (2,130) becoming one of baseball's greatest Hall-of-Fame legends and earning him the nickname of "The Iron Man". The Yankees' bench went deep. You never know what kind of greatness may be riding the pine until an opportunity arises. GTD's bench goes very deep. We have some of the best, most talented, Jesus-loving people in this ministry. We have 10 or more "Lou Gehrig's" ready for a starting position. My recent injury (see PART 1 of this series) has revealed to me that it's time to let our Lou Gehrig's start playing greater roles. It's time to start passing the torch. This is our Joshua moment when Moses passes the torch to Joshua after Moses' "injury" (Numbers 20: 1-13). I'm beyond thrilled to announce that I'm beginning a 2 year process of passing the torch of my "starting position" as CEO to Carson. Like Lou Gehrig replacing Wally Pipp, Carson will take this team to greater heights and greater impact. For several years God has been preparing Carson and using him to make a big impact in GTD as my volunteer and paid staff. Carson started helping me when he was around 10 years old. He is now 23. He knows this ministry backwards and forwards. He is our Joshua! Stacy will become one of our key Program Directors. God has used Stacy in this ministry for more than 17 years. Everyone loves these 2 guys! The 2 most common questions people eagerly ask me are: "Is Carson going to run GTD when you retire?!?!" and "Is Stacy coming on the next trip?!?!". They are 2 of our most beloved GTDers! In addition, Andrew Pieper will become our Asset & Equipment Coordinator as he trains for a future Program Director position. I'm actually getting in communication with several GTDers about becoming a starting player. It's amazing how God has already put an inner passion to be more involved with GTD into several of the people I have reached out to, and there are many more I still need to reach out to. Carson, Stacy, & the rest of the young guns are the right people to lead GTD into the next 30 years! By the grace of God, after the 2 year transition I will still stay intimately involved as a Program Director building our Caregiving Support Group, Discipleship Program, reviving our DestiNATION Program, overseeing our Administration responsibilities, running some events, helping on some events, and playing a key role on our Board of Directors helping to supply our "starting players" with the needed resources to succeed. And yes, to everyone's joy, Laurie will continue to be a key Program Director in GTD overseeing our Costa Rica Mission Trips & Prosperity Program. But, Lord willing (James 4:15), I will be handing the steering wheel over to our future CEO by January 1, 2028. It may not take 2 years to accomplish a healthy succession plan, but I'm ready to go that long if needed. There is something in my spirit that is stirring with excitement... God is up to something very special... I obeyed God and started building this ministry in 1991 for 5 years then in 1996 we started running events. On January 1, 2026 (in a few weeks) I will celebrate 30 years of running GTD. It's time to usher in a new "Joshua era". God will use our "Joshua's" to take this ministry into the Promise Land =). I ask everyone who loves GTD to celebrate with us and pray for Carson and the next generation of GTD starters!! More updates to come. Part 3 "PREPARING FOR A WINNING SEASON" will be our next update =). God is up to something very special =)

 

 

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(PART 1 of 4) HOW GOD IS TURNING MY "GREAT DEPRESSION" INTO GTD'S "GREAT SUCCESSION" (THE INJURY)

 

(PART 1 of 4) HOW GOD IS TURNING MY "GREAT DEPRESSION" INTO GTD'S "GREAT SUCCESSION"
 
PART 1: "THE INJURY"
PART 2: "NEXT MAN UP"
PART 3: "PREPARING FOR A WINNING SEASON"
PART 4: "BUILDING A DYNASTY"
 
THE INJURY:
When I was playing baseball in my senior year of high school I broke my hand while diving to catch a ball that was hit just out of my reach in the outfield. I was in excruciating pain, but I kept playing. My hand swelled up like a balloon. (I almost got a base hit with a broken hand at my next at-bat... that would have been a great story). The swelling in my hand got so bad that I tried to wrap athletic tape around it just so I could wedge my hand back into my baseball glove and keep playing in my favorite position - centerfield. As the game went on I could no longer move my hand and I was unable to close my glove to catch the ball. At that point I realized I was holding the team back and preventing one of our healthy non-starters from replacing me, because I was no longer able to play centerfield or swing the bat. So I took myself out of the game. Next to God & family, baseball was my greatest love. I ate, drank, & slept baseball... I couldn't get enough of it. I loved going to practice as much as I loved playing in games. After that game my parents took me to the hospital. The x-ray revealed I had a clean & complete break of one of my metacarpals (hand bones). The prognosis was I had to immobilize my left hand and refrain from using it until the bone healed on its own. So I had to wear a full fiberglass cast that extended from my knuckles to just below my elbow for 6 weeks which meant I would not be able to play baseball for 6 weeks. The heartbreaking reality was that there was only 6 weeks left in the season... my last season of high school baseball. I. Was. Crushed. But I was determined to figure out how I could still be a part of the team, and do whatever I could to help our team finish the season strong. Every day I continued to show up for practice. I tied my baseball mitt onto my cast and around my hand. I learned to catch the ball on the outside of my glove while trapping it with my other hand. The coach got me into games as a pinch runner (I was pretty fast!) and one game we were losing so bad that I talked him into letting me go in as a relief pitcher for one inning. It was the only time I ever pitched in high school. I wanted to play every inning of every remaining game, but my injury limited the capacity to which I could play. In reality my injury actually became an opportunity for the younger players to get actual game experience by replacing me while I healed. But I was determined to play my position again before the season ended. After 4 weeks of wearing the cast I couldn't take it any longer so I ripped all of the cotton stuffing out of the inside of my cast so I could forcibly slide it down my arm & over my hand. I did it! I removed my cast! The coach did not approve, but he said if my x-ray came back negative I could play. To my overwhelming joy my hand had completely healed in just 4 weeks and I was cleared to play the last 2 weeks of the season! PTL!! I had hopes to play college baseball and my greatest dream was to play professionally. But my dreams ended a few months later when on the same day that I made the cuts onto the college baseball team I tore the ACL in my right knee while playing a pick-up game of tackle football. The year was 1988. That day was the start and end of my collegiate baseball career. I. Was. Crushed. Again. A few years later God would give me a new dream and a new passion to start an outdoor adventure ministry. After 5 years of prayer & preparation, at age 25, I started a Christ-centered non-profit organization called Going The Distance Adventure Ministry and have been running God-awesome adventures for 29 years. Baseball was my first choice, but adventuring became a wonderful second choice. But even before that dream of playing professional baseball I had an even grander dream when I was around 10 years old to one day take care of my parents... to be there for them like they have always been there for me, and to be a good son that honored them & never added any grief to their lives (other than practical jokes, of course lol). We had some major family challenges during the first 20 years of my life that endeared my heart even greater for my Mom & Dad. Dad had some major struggles (I shared these at his Celebration of Life Service) that, in time, he overcame. Watching him valiantly try & fail, try & fail, try & fail, and then ultimately succeed was inspiring. He has one of the best comeback stories overcoming alcoholism, chain smoking, & infidelity. He is 3rd place on my list of top 3 heroes in my life. My Mom endured my Dad's struggles valiantly. It. Crushed. Her! But she hung in there, and in time things went from bad (1970's) to worse (1980's) to healed (1990's). Mom holds 2nd place of my top 3 heroes. I love them both so much! And without Jesus our family unit would have fallen apart ending in divorce and a broken home... but Jesus turned a guaranteed loss into a come from behind victory. So Jesus holds 1st place in my top 3 heroes. Without Him our family unit would have died. Fast forward 30 years (2020), and my parent's worsening health dramatically takes a harsh downturn. Mom's Alzheimer's and Dad's many organ issues hit a level that required around the clock attention. We had soooooo many amazing people help shoulder the heavy load. Traci, Laurie, & I maintained a 24/7 presence for a couple of years. I had no idea how bad of a toll this would take on me (and my Sister and even Laurie). The most recent statistics reveal that Caregivers are experiencing off-the-charts levels of deep depression, and are even dying before the person they are caring for dies. For reasons I'm only now beginning to understand I'm one of those statistics. I became deeply depressed 2 years into our intense caregiving journey (which was about 3 years ago). I let my Sister and Laurie (and some close friends) know that I was deeply depressed to the point that I hated life & I longed to die 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. I wasn't suicidal, but I was probably headed that way. To be completely raw & transparent, all day long I would tell God I hate this f***ing life and I can't wait to f***ing die (and I don't even cuss lol, but my heart had become so dark and hopeless that the cuss words just naturally flowed... and I would vent this to God in my desperate prayers). I longed to just get run over by a bus all day everyday 24/7. But I didn't want to leave all the workload and added grief for my Sister to shoulder. I was spiraling worse and worse every week. Inch by inch I was being dismantled. Day by day I was methodically being whittled down. Thought by thought I was departing who I once was and slowly becoming who I never imagined I could be - hopeless, hostile towards God, full of rage, mad about everything, blaming God for every downward turn, I dreaded going to bed - dreaded waking up - dreaded existing another day. Just like when I dove for that baseball in high school - something inside of me broke. I was a far cry from where I used to be "love'n life because of Jesus Christ" or experiencing a "God-awesome" day. The process of rushing from physically demanding GTD events to physically & emotionally demanding caregiving to rushing to just trying to survive while renovating a house, taking care of dying dogs, doing all the administrative work for our non-profit organization, trying to pay the bills, losing friends to suicide & drunk drivers, watching my dreams die of marriage and one day having kids & grandkids (and many other dreams), and literally about 20 other heartbreaking things all resulted in a deep situational depression and possibly a mid-life crisis. My hope was gone. My resiliency was gone. My optimism was gone. All my energy was gone. I had run my gas tank until it was completely empty, and like my friend recently told me, "When you run your car till it's out of gas you can damage your entire engine." That's exactly what I did. I ran myself till I was completely empty, and I damaged "my engine". It was more than physical. It was more than emotional. It was more than mental. It was also spiritual. My exhaustion lead to less quality time with God each day which lead to less walking in the Holy Spirit which lead to a mind controlled by the flesh ( Romans 8 ) which lead to no longer seeing things through spiritual eyes of faith, but rather hopeless eyes of the flesh. Romans 8 says that a mind controlled by the Spirit is life & peace, but a mind controlled by the flesh is death... it becomes a mind that cannot please God and is even hostile to God. That's exactly who I was becoming. Arguing with God! Blaming God! Accusing God! Not just angry at God, but pissed at God!! Frustration, anger, rage... I was drunk on all of them. Desiring to disobey God... planning to disobey God... starting to actually disobey God... I was spiraling down, down, down. It got very dark & very ugly. The only things that saved me was the fear of God, the love for others, and my own ministry... God used my own ministry to save me... every time I would run a GTD trip God would resuscitate my soul. Instantly I would be surrounded by Godly people, daily devotions, worshipping God, encouragement, God's beautiful creation, adventures, fun, levity... it was all instantly there and God would do spiritual CPR on me and pump life back into my soul. Then I would return home to unsustainable needs plus all the hard things about watching your beloved parents go through the dying process... it was so heartbreaking... they were more than just my parents... they were 2 of my best friends, 2 of my greatest heroes, 2 of my biggest cheerleaders, and they were my original mission field... I was with them both when they took their last breath... I watched my Dad die twice... that really killed me... that was the knockout blow for me. Like Rocky in "Rocky 3" being knocked out by Mr T and watching Mickey die I also lost "the eye of the tiger" and the desire to fight back. It took me months to hit rock bottom and begin to climb back up again. I'm only a few inches up from rock bottom, but I'm moving upward, praise God. I used to want to die 24 hours a day 7 days a week, but now it's down to 24/4. Instead of longing to die 7 days per week now I only want to die 4 days per week (not in a suicidal way). I try not to show it in public. In fact, I try not to be in public these days because I'm "in a fiberglass cast" trying to recover, heal, & understand what just happened. But that also means that 3 days per week I'm actually joyful and there are signs of life in me again. And those other 4 days per week I can barely function... All I want is just to die... nothing but dread & exhaustion & "what's the point of even trying". Thankfully adventures teach you many life skills. You know what you do when you're backpacking in the middle of a storm? You either take a break or you just keep on hiking... you quickly learn that the storms come & go while you hike... you can't hide from them or outrun them so you just have to weather them knowing that "there is sunshine on the other side of those clouds" (as Laurie likes to say). It's the same with situational depression. You just weather the storm and either take a break or take baby steps all through the day. I'm actually finding much value in my deep dive into depression, and since so many of the younger generation is experiencing depression at high levels I know I will now be able to have greater compassion and empathy and understanding so I can actually minister to our youth & young adults from personal experience instead of theoretical imagining what it's like. Soooooooo all this to share that over the past few years I didn't have anything left to give. I dove for a ball that was out of my reach and something broke. My brain broke.  My spirit broke. I broke. That's my injury.... it's my "Great Depression". The phenomenal news is that God fixes broken things. I hit rock bottom in May when I experienced my life's greatest defeat & greatest victory all at the same time (a post for another time). From that moment God has been repairing me one inch at a time. It took me 5 years to inch by inch hit rock bottom. God could instantly heal me, but He is taking a more methodical inch by inch approach which I happen to love. As someone once said, "It only takes 24 hours to grow a mushroom, but it takes many years to grow an oak tree." God is growing me into an oak tree, and I'm okay with it being a process instead of instantaneous. I have been immobilized in a fiberglass cast so to speak. Healing. I'm actually starting to want to rip the cotton stuffing out of "the cast" 3 days per week, but I'm learning so much through this painful process. I'm unpacking a lot of things. One of the biggest things I'm realizing is that the devil wasn't just trying to kill me... he was more so trying to kill GTD. As the old saying goes, "If you want to kill a snake you don't cut off its tail, you cut off its head." (My apologies to my snake loving friends). The devil was trying to kill this ministry by killing me. I can't tell you how many people I talk to that tell me how much God has used GTD to impact & change their lives, and more importantly find Jesus or grow in Christ. What this "near death experience" has shown me is that we've never had a succession plan for GTD. There was no plan in place for what will happen to the ministry when I can no longer run it. I'm happy & excited (those are 2 words that have been strangers to me in recent months) to share with you that we are building a succession plan right now! In fact, that's what Part 2 "Next Man Up" is all about. God is up to something... what the devil intended for harm, God is using for good. I can't wait to share it with you in PART 2.

(Note: There was a 3 month period last year when God had radically healed me. They were 3 of the best months of my life as I took care of my Dad in the midst of high demands. But I unwittingly walked out of that healing as I started becoming "ambitious" again... I started wanting more than the struggle that was before me. But I was thriving for 3 months in the struggle with total contentment & joy. The enemy to contentment is envy & ambition. James 3:16)

 

 

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