On August 1st & 2nd I experienced one of the greatest breakthroughs of my life. It happened as I was breaking down the campsite by myself in NC after an Adventure Trip. It's extremely rare to have to break down camp without any volunteers or staff, but about every 15 years it happens. We usually try to have about 5 people breaking down camp and it usually takes 3-5 hours. By myself it took me 18 hours spread out over 2 days. This was so orchestrated by God. The past 5 years of caregiving had pretty much annihilated me & my Sister as all of you know, and I have been on this TAKEback campaign since hitting rock bottom last Sept (a year ago). There were many issues that had me completely gutted, but a couple of those issues revolved around the idea that I'm nearing my mid 50's and I was in the worst health of my life from caregiving and feeling like the last of my best years are over, and with that was the probability of the greatest dream & desire of my life since I was a kid to one day be married and raise a family has been ripped away from me. The hard part of caregiving is that it literally kills you... kills your availability, kills your energy, kills your finances, kills your joy, kills your health, kills all your relationships, kills your business or ministry, kills your drive, kills your hopes, kills your dreams. Most caregivers literally die before the person they are caring for dies. It's a statistical fact. It is reality, and it has been the reality I had been living for 5 years. And to be raw and real, I haven't been happy about it at all as anyone could tell from my social media posts over the past 5 years. I have had the disgruntled heart of Job along the way. That doesn't mean I didn't want to care for my Mom. It was one of my top 3 callings in life. It just means that I totally underestimated what caregiving required. Totally. Not even close. And the losses I was experiencing, well those were the things I was disgruntled about. The near bankruptcy. The loss of nearly every close relationships. The barely keeping the ministry alive. The loss of any chance at a dating life or romance or marriage or kids or a family. And many many other things that are of immense value to me that died or were dying. All those things are totally annihilated in the life of a caregiver. But I've been making a bit of a comeback over the past year with my TAKEback campaign, but the gains have been agonizingly slow, but they have been gains regardless of their pace. They have been encouraging signs of a heartbeat and life. But still my joy has been so little, but yet it has been more joy than I've experienced in 5 years. And I missed so many things about my true & authentic personality and character that I haven't seen in many years. I used to laugh all the time. I used to joke around all the time. I used to dream and chase those dreams all the time. The "recent Doug" has been disgruntled, joyless, & very angry. I missed the "former Doug" more than I can articulate. That is, until a month ago when I ran into "former Doug" in the forest of NC during my 18 hours of breaking down camp by myself!! I found my best friend again - "former Doug"!! As I was breaking down camp and tempted to be disgruntled I had a few breakthrough thoughts that I leaned into. They aren't profound thoughts. In fact, they are quite simple & elementary... sort of like a childlike faith that leads to salvation. As I was drying off tents and packing them up, cleaning out showers, and inventorying pasta noodles my thoughts were, "God I just feel like this is a big waste of time and resources. I need to be back home taking care of my Dad. I'm years behind on countless important things. My house needs so much work to be completed. I have so many friends in need to reach out to. You could have supplied me with an army of volunteers and we could have knocked this out in a few hours, and then we could be putting this time & energy to more productive uses for Your Kingdom. Quality time with people where real ministry takes place. Honestly Lord, I don't really like how you run things. I'm not on board with You, and You do this all the time. Thousands of people dying without You Lord, suicide rates going through the roof, thousands of people literally starving to death and You have a willing servant here wasting time & energy folding up tents all alone in the middle of the forest (and here's the breakthrough thought), BUT I GUESS THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE DOING." Did you catch that?? In that moment friends I STOPPED RESISTING God's directives... the very directives I've often found to be "pointless and mundane", but are the tasks the Lord has orchestrated for this season of my life. This was the breakthrough point >>> I STOPPED RESISTING. I STOPPED RESISTING. I STOPPED RESISTING. Sometimes personal ambitions rob you of living fully in the moment. And in that moment I dropped my ambitions and started accepting that which I did not want. I "embraced the suck" as they say in the military. I stopped fighting God's "mundane & pointless" tasks, and started embracing them. "I GUESS THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT ME TO BE DOING." And in that moment I STOPPED RESISTING!!! A pastor once preached a message about John 15 and bearing fruit for God's glory. He asked, "Do you know how you can tell if fruit is mature? It's when you push on it with your thumb and IT ISN'T HARD AND DOESN'T RESIST THE PRESSURE." It's a lesson I've learned and applied many times throughout my life, but I passed all those pressure tests in the school of life during all my formative years from "1st grade thru 12th grade". But I've been failing this same lesson at a higher level of education over the past 5 years. As TD Jakes says, "New levels brings new devils." So as we go on to the next level of the same lesson the difficulty level substantially increases. And as soon as I STOPPED RESISTING this same lesson at a higher level EVERYTHING CHANGED!!!! In an instant "former Doug" was back!!! I folded all those tents with a pep in my step! I was loving being in the outdoors and listening to the creek and my tunes. I was loving seeing that at 53 years old I still had it in me to break camp for 18 hours all by myself. I felt so strong, so encouraged, so healthy. And the best part was that I stopped trying to be God's manager and advisor, and started living in the moment again albeit the mundane pointless moment. Although I think He should do things differently. I STOPPED RESISTING the way in which He chooses to do things. Since returning home I have continued to walk in what feels like one of the most radical breakthroughs of my life!! None of my circumstances have changed. The caregiving demands are as high as ever with my Dad, but I'm no longer disgruntled. I have "embraced the suck". I'm "counting it all joy" (James 1:2). "I guess this is what You want me to do God." And in that letting go I have rediscovered the awe & wonder of living in the moment again... even when that moment is undesirable. I'm laughing again. I'm having fun again. I'm working out hard again. I have dreams again - but with less unhealthy ambition and no rigid timeline. I have hope again. In one simple but profound truth I have been set free again. I find God's approach many times to be inefficient. I honestly don't like the way He does things many times. That's my honest opinion, and I tell Him all the time that I know my opinion is inaccurate... I is dead wrong because I know His ways are higher than man's ways... His thoughts higher than man's thoughts. It's His universe and He knows way more than me. Like Saul I had to learn to stop kicking against the bricks (STOP RESISTING) so He could turn me into Paul. I'm back babie!! I'm 24 again!!! In my lack of fitness over the past 5 years I went above 20% body fat for the first time in my life. Now I'm back eating healthy ("embracing the suck") and working out hard. I'm already down to 16% body fat with the non rigid goal of getting to under 10% as I hit 54 years old later this month. I STOPPED RESISTING AND STARTED LIVING AGAIN IN THE "POINTLESS" MOMENT and everything changed. On a side note, as I was breaking down camp and listening to some of my favorite songs, "The Summer of 69" by Bryan Adams came on (I LOVE THAT SONG!!!) and one of the lines in the song were the perfect words at the perfect time. He sings, "Ain't no use in complainin when you've got a job to do." That is now my mantra! That is now my wake up song. I play that little clip before I do what I don't want to do... which is the vast majority of my day... and I'm finding by the end of the day I had the best day of my life by willingly and even joyfully going ahead and doing every "pointless & mundane" thing that I don't want to do, but "I guess this is what the Lord wants me to do today." I daily have to let go of all my ambitions and desires in that moment to answer the call, but I'm finding along the way that I sometimes like God's way better than mine. Sometimes I find that I'd rather do what I hate more than doing what I like... one of many paradoxes of following Jesus. Thank You Jesus for BREAKTHROUGHS and for NEVER GIVING UP ON ME!!!
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